A hole in my heart
by Anotherhumanbeing
Summary: 'To feel the pain I feel. To know how much it hurts to see the person you love die in front of your eyes, and be the one who caused it' he informs him 'But first, I will give you a chance to save them' Castle knits his eyebrows together into a frown as the man continues to speak 'Pick one of the two, Castle, and I will let you get out of here with her unharmed'
1. Chapter 1

**Eh, I don't even know. Yeah...uhm.**

The cold steel of the gun's barrel digs into her scalp, makes her wince and hiss as it touches the open wound in the back of her head. It reminds her, her position. The situation they are in. And it's bad, it's really bad because she can do nothing to prevent their attackers from harming the ones she cares about the most in her life. It annoys her, frustrates her, makes her angry. Her eyes go from the young girl's face to the writer's gaze, the first one is with her knees dropped to the floor and her arms behind her back just like the way she is and the second one is standing in front of them, threatened by a knife under his chin. There is no way she can save them this time. The funny thing is that they were supposed to have dinner with his family today, if anyone told them the night would end like this they would have laughed. Nobody is laughing now.

''If you want money I will give you as much as you want, just please let us go'' he tries to keep his voice calm yet it comes out choked. Tears are already in his eyes willing to run down his cheeks as he looks at the two women close to him, harmed and exposed, unprotected. The other man snorts, presses the blade of the knife on the skin of his neck until it breaks and a small amount of blood shows up.

''I don't want your money'' he says firmly and brings his mouth next to his victim's ear ''I want revenge'' he smiles evilly and eases the pressure on the knife, lets it slide down Castle's throat ''Don't you remember me Mister Castle?'' he asks.

The writer closes his eyes, his attacker's voice is familiar but he doesn't know why. Maybe he is an old friend and now an enemy, a crazy fan of his books, a stalker, a suspect, a victim's family. The last one fits better, yeah, that's from where he knows this guy. He's the brother of a man – a man he had shot a few days ago to save Beckett's life. He remembers now, his face, his voice, the look on his eyes after the shooting and the words he had said.

_''You will pay for what you did to my brother''_

A threat and warning he didn't take in mind at that time. He shrugged it off just like Beckett did when he told her about it, assured him it was nothing. He looks back at the man who smirks, nods and sighs as turns to his partner and to his daughter.

''Now you do remember me, writer boy, don't you? It's me Jonathan. I am the brother of the man you killed!'' he shouts and Castle flinches, body jerking at the suddenly loud voice ''You didn't listen to my words and here we are now'' he kneels in front of Beckett and cups her cheek roughly with his hand.

''Don't touch her'' Castle yells at him. The other man laughs and shakes his head as he stands up. He lands his fist on the writer's face repeatedly until the cries of the women behind him stop him.

''You don't get to tell me what to do'' he hisses ''Understood?''

Castle gives him a weak nod in response, his head is throbbing and dark spots dance in his vision. He can't pass out now though, he needs to stay strong. At least, if they beat him they won't touch Beckett and Alexis.

He wipes the blood under his mouth with the back of his hand ''What do you want from me?'' he questions.

''To feel the pain I feel. To know how much it hurts to see the person you love die in front of your eyes, and be the one who caused it'' he informs him ''But first, I will give you a chance to save them'' Castle knits his eyebrows together into a frown as the man continues to speak ''Pick one of the two, Castle, and I will let you get out of here with her unharmed''

''Alexis'' Beckett tells him ''Take Alexis, Rick. Take her and get out of here''

Hell no. He will not leave her alone with them but he can't leave his daughter either. He can't do it. He can't. He stares at Beckett, she yells his daughter's name over and over again. The blood has travelled from the top of her head down to her face, straight red lines made their way down her right cheek.

''Don't make me do this, please'' he literally begs ''Let them go and hold me here''

''No, Castle shut up. Pick Alexis and leave'' his partner says ''Castle please. Think about Alexis, think about your daughter. She needs her father, she needs you'' she tries to reason him and his stomach clenches because he's going to say yes, he's going to agree to take Alexis away from here and leave his heart instead.

* * *

''Choose'' the man orders, raises the hand which holds the knife and points it at _them _''Or I will''

''Castle. Alexis''

''Dad''

* * *

His head is spinning, his eyes avert from one person to the other and the voices are too loud in his ears.

Stop, just everybody stop.

* * *

''Now!''

''Please, Rick. Go''

''Daddy''

''Fine, Alexis. I will take Alexis'' the room fills with silence then and he doesn't know if he should be glad for that or not.

''Release her'' the man demands and his servant follows his orders. They remove the duct tape from around Alexis's hands and push her forward towards her father. He catches her, wraps his arms around her form and whispers apologies and comforting words in her ear. The young woman cries against his chest, her shoulders shacking with every sob that rocks her body. He looks back at Kate, who nods, mouths a silent thank you to him and drops her head. He saw the tears in her eyes though, the relief as well.

''What will you do to her?'' he asks.

''We? Nothing'' the man grabs a pistol from his waist ''You, on the other hand will shoot her''

What?

* * *

''What?'' he croaks ''I would never do that!''

Jonathan offers his gun to him but he shakes his head, pushes the hand away and takes some steps back while still holding his daughter in his arms.

''Do it'' the man repeats ''Now'' he grabs Castle's hand and holds it with his own over the gun.

Castle tries to break free. He is not going to shoot Kate Beckett.

''Shoot her or she dies'' Jonathan points at Alexis who is once again taken in captivity by his men.

''You said – you said I could save her'' he stutters.

''I lied'' he explains ''Do it'' he says one more time.

''I said no. I will not shoot her''

''She will die then'' the man snaps his fingers and a gun is pressed against his daughter's temple.

''Castle, just do it'' Kate pleads him. And how can she ask him that? What the fuck.

''Are you crazy? I will not do it'' there is a click and the gun is loaded and Alexis starts whimpering ''Please not this, don't ask me to do this''

''You didn't have a problem when you shot my brother'' Jonathan accuses him.

It's the truth. His finger pulled the trigger easily, he didn't flinch, didn't care when he took that life away and sent it to waste. He didn't care because he had to save his partner. No regrets.

''Your brother tried to kill us. What were you expecting me to do? Sit there and watch as he finished us?''

''Shut up. You and I, both know things could have gone differently''

''You weren't there''

''It doesn't matter. You did what you did and you must pay'' he slides his finger over Castle's over the trigger ''I will say this one more time. Do it or your daughter dies''

''Castle'' Beckett calls him and he turns to her ''Just do what he says and don't worry everything is going to be fine. Don't worry'' she reassures him, promises him.

* * *

Sweat is running down his forehead, his mind is lost, his brain confused. And he prays for a miracle to occur when he closes his but when he opens them again they are still in the same position and he feels like the one with the gun to his head. He would prefer to be if that would keep them safe and without any bullet holes on their body. The sound of crying breaks him, he can't do this to them.

''Maybe you need a little help buddy'' Jonathan chuckles ''Hey, Marco. Why don't you start with some cutting first and then open a hole to the young lady's head?''

Marco smiles, satisfied with the idea as it seems and fishes something in his pocket before he pulls out a knife. The same Jonathan used previously to keep Castle in place. Marco places his blade on the right side of Alexis's throat as he puts the gun away for now.

''Shoot''

''No''

''Marco''

The other man presses the knife, not too much, and blood comes out. Castle turns his gaze to the other side, can't bear to watch, he doesn't have the strength to do what he's asked to stop this torture either.

''I will transform her into Joker if you don't do what I say. Shoot her''

''Castle please do it''

And he can't stand this anymore, not his little girl's cries, not his girlfriend's pleads, not his captor's demands who puts pressure on his fingers and the bullet is fired.

He closes his eyes at her scream.

Although he observers when she crumbles to the floor.

**Yeah, I don't have any words either. Well...review if you want. I will be over there...**

***puts the cookies down* Second chapter?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the feedback everyone. Enjoy the new chapter.**

The world falls apart around him as she closes her eyes and a small whimper escapes from her mouth, a pool of blood already forming on her blouse and he stills. Eyes wide, mouth agape and hands wrapped around the gun by their own, he stills. Doesn't move, doesn't speak, just watches, observes. Jonathan is smiling proudly, his men copying their leader and his daughter is thrown to him and cries into his chest. Then a sudden realization, the chilling truth dawns on him; he just shot Kate Beckett. And he feels sick, almost throws up at the thought that became reality. He pulled the trigger even though Jonathan's finger applied the pressure, he was holding the gun, he was the one to hurt her.

The weapon clutters on the ground as he drops it, takes a few steps backwards and sobs. Tears streaming down his face as he stares at the woman on the floor. Her chest not going up and down properly, her breathing unsteady.

''No, no, no, no, no, no, no'' he whispers ''What have I done?'' he cries, runs his hands through his hair and over his face over and over again until Jonathan grabs his shoulder.

''It hurts, doesn't it?'' the man asks, pushes him and he almost falls on the ground ''Now you see how it is, now you know'' he shouts as the writer tries to steady himself. And suddenly the room is spinning, his mind is blurry, his legs weak, his heart broken. His life ruined.

''I didn't want to kill your brother'' Castle explains. The other man stops pacing and turns his head to him, an eyebrow raised as he waits ''I had to though, I shot him in the chest and I don't regret it'' Jonathan growls at him but Castle continues ''But what if you were in my place and your brother was about to get shot by someone, what would you do? You would just sit there and wait for the trigger to be pulled''

''No'' Jonathan admits ''I would shoot whoever tried to kill him'' he rubs the back of his neck nervously, grabs something from his pocket and throws it at Castle who catches it when it lands on his chest.

''Call an ambulance'' it's all he says and then he's gone along with his guns and his men and it's like he never came at their house, at his loft.

* * *

The writer falls on his knees next to the injured detective after calling an ambulance. He cradles her head in his lap, presses his hand on the open wound to save as much blood as possible, prays that he's not too late, that he hasn't killed _her_.

''Come on, Kate. Help is on the way. Stay with me'' he murmurs his love on her temple, her cheek, her skin. His daughter is standing near him, her hand on his shoulder as she watches her father, helps him.

''Dad she's going to be okay. Don't worry'' she assures him.

''But I shot her! I shot her'' he repeats over and over and over until Alexis cups his cheek and forces him to look at her. Her full of tears blue eyes mirroring his.

''It wasn't your fault, you tried to save us''

But he failed, he thinks, he failed.

* * *

The ambulance arrives after ten minutes. To him it seemed like an eternity. An eternity in which she was slowly dying, fading, leaving this world. Him, everything. And he felt useless, he couldn't do anything as they lifted her on the stretcher and put her into the ambulance, didn't have the strength to watch as they applied CPR on her not beating heart after it stopped.

Monster.

He shot his own girlfriend. He'd promised her he would keep her out of harm's way, yet he put another scar on her already marked body. How will he be able to look at her again? Without the guilt, the anger and disgust for himself.

_If she survives... _

If she survives the bullet he put in her chest, the pain he caused. He doubles over at his thoughts, throws up this time and and coughs. Everything that was in his stomach now laying on the floor. A mixture of blood and food. He feels a hand on his back, he raises on of his and wipes his mouth as he turns around.

''Sir, are you alright?'' it's the voice of one of the medic-guys. Castle nods at the young man.

''I'm fine'' he lies.

''We need you to come with us''

He goes and his daughter follows him.

The ride is silent, for him at least. It's like the rest of the world doesn't exist as he looks at her and his eyes tear up even more. Stupid, how could you do this? Why and how? You hurt her, you shot her, you _scarred her. _He bangs his fist on his thigh, then places his head on Beckett's arm. His hands holding hers as he sobs.

* * *

_''What about dinner at my place?'' he suggests, wraps his arm around her shoulders as they head towards her car._

_''I don't know. If I say no what will you do?'' she teases him. His loft already their destination, she continues their little game __though __._

_''I will abduct you and take you with me'' he grins at her, kisses her on the cheek before he lets her go and gets in the car ''And if you try to escape remember that I have a laser-tag gun, Beckett''_

_She laughs, a soft and funny noise she makes. Song to his ears._

_''You will shoot me, Castle?'' _

_''Never''_

* * *

They take Beckett into surgery while they check on them. He insists he's fine just a couple of bruises and cuts and then waits for his daughter. She is fine too, physically at least. Because emotionally they are both broken. He's a little more.

''Why didn't you pick her?'' Alexis asks and lifts her head from her father's chest.

''You're my daughter. Whatever the cost I will always choose you'' he tells her ''Kate knows that too'' his voice cracks and damn when did he became a crier.

They stay there, having small talks about random things and sitting on the hospital chairs waiting for someone to come and inform them. Ryan and Esposito along with Lanie come after a while asking him what the heck happened and where is Beckett. He tells them the truth. All of it. In the end, widen eyes and dropped jaws are in front of him.

''I didn't want to. But they forced me. He forced me and I couldn't let my daughter get hurt. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry'' he rambles, words coming out of his mouth fast.

''Nobody blames you, Castle'' Esposito says, offers him a small smile ''Not me, not us and not Beckett either'' he pats his friend's back ''She's going to be fine, bro''

Silence swallows them whole after that. All of them waiting, waiting for the good news or the bad. Hope or destruction. One, two, three, four. He counts the hours, the time she's fighting for her life while he fights for his. Because if she dies, he will die with her. Sure, he will still be here. Walking, talking, doing the things he did before but with nothing more than emptiness in his life. His heart will be up there, hidden in her hand, secured and safe. He had given it to her a long time ago.

''Family of Katherine Beckett?'' a short woman asks, a nurse and smiles at them. Good sign, huh?

''We are here'' all of them stand up except from him. He waits. He waits for her to say that he lost her, he waits to hear that he killed her. Instead, he hears she is alive and now being moved to a private room.

''One of you can go and see her'' and then she's gone.

They sit back down.

''Castle, go'' Lanie tells him softly ''Go''

He does.

* * *

He opens the door and walks into the room slowly, dragging his feet under him towards the chair next to her bed.

''Kate'' murmurs her name on her hand as he brings it to his lips, kisses the soft flesh, notices it's warm not cold. Alive not dead. And he breaks again. It's the third, forth or fifth time he cries, tears rolling down his face and falling on her skin. He sobs for what he did, for what he caused, for what he ruined and for what he will lose. He's sure she won't forgive him after this. Maybe she will but he will never forgive himself, he won't forget the moment his finger pressed the trigger, the sound she made when the bullet struck her.

So he stays while she's sleeping, watches her.

He's not there when she wakes up.

* * *

_Thoughts? Do you want a third chapter? Write me a review and tell me!_

_And as always, have a nice day!_


	3. Chapter 3

**This happens when I don't have internet at my place. Anyway, enjoy and thanks for the feedback.**

* * *

The cold steel of the gun burns against her hand as she holds it, finger over the trigger ready to apply the pressure that is needed for the bullet to be fired. And suddenly she's back at the loft, all of them. But this time she's the one who's holding the weapon, the barrel pressed against Castle's forehead and it feels wrong. So damn wrong and how did this happen again. The writer's gaze is locked with hers, his voice sounds like a plea to her ears as he opens his mouth to speak.

''Do it'' it's all he says and she looks at him confused, eyebrows knitted together into a small frown. She turns her head to the right, spots Jonathan and the rest of his men with Alexis. What the hell. This was supposed to be over. Jonathan takes some steps towards her and she does the same backwards. He catches her though, his grip tight and painful. Nails digging into her skin.

''Where do you think you're going Kate?'' his proud smile makes her sick ''We are waiting'' he drags her closer to him, to Castle. His hand raises hers that holds the gun and points it at Castle.

''Do it'' he orders.

''No'' she whispers ''No'' she shakes her head. Her hands are trembling and her lower lip is quivering and for some unknown reason she can't let the gun drop from her hands. It's like she doesn't control them anymore.

''Do it'' she closes her eyes and no, she won't shoot him. She won't shoot her boyfriend.

''Do it'' it's a different voice this time, a combination of more than one actually and she opens her eyes again. Everybody is telling her to shoot him. Her vision blurs, her mind does the same and the voices are still there.

''Stop'' she half cries, half yells ''Stop'' she begs. It's only a waste of her breath and words. The voices are getting louder and louder, they don't stop although she keeps pleading. Her finger tightens over the trigger.

Pulls it. And the voices stop. Silence.

* * *

Her body jumps from the bed and she awakes with a gasp. Eyes on high alert as they search around the room for something, someone. Him. Nothing. No-one there except from her lying on a hospital bed injured. It's been one week since they brought her to the hospital, one week and he hasn't come to see her, yet. No messages, no calls, no visits from him. And she wonders why. What did she do, what did she say, why and what. She misses him so damn much. Lanie and the boys try to cover his absence, but they are not him. They are not him. She sighs, runs a hand over her face and winces when the stitches pull. The doctor told her it's going to take a while to get back in shape, she knew that already. Has been here, in this place again. In the same situation. Another scar. Another reminder on her body. This one from _him. _

Sometimes she thinks she sees him coming in during the nights, feels his hand on hers, his lips on hers but she's not sure. Maybe it's just her imagination, her brain playing tricks on her. Hell, maybe it's the painkillers.

_Do it._

_Please._

_No._

_Kate._

Every time she closes her eyes she's back at the loft, every time she goes to sleep. Tries to, at least. She hates herself for what she did to him, for what she made him do. And she doesn't blame him. She blames herself. It's her fault, she's the cop and she should have done something to protect them. It's her job after all. The door opens and Lanie steps inside, smiles at the detective and takes a seat next to her bed.

''Hey'' Beckett greets her.

''Hey'' the other woman replies ''How are you feeling?'' she takes her friend's hand in hers, squeezes it to give strength.

''I'm fine'' she lies ''Feel like crap'' she adds when she sees her glare.

''Thought so'' Lanie comments then hesitates ''I visited Castle today'' she says ''the man was a wreck , Kate. Martha told me he was in his office and when I opened the door I- he was just sitting there looking straight ahead with a glass of scotch in his hand and he didn't notice me at all. Not even when I walked inside and stood in front of him, waved my hand into his face but nothing. I told him your news, and the only response I got was a nod''

Beckett nods ''It's my fault. All this. It's my fault''

''It's not'' Lanie protests.

''It is, Lanie'' she insists, shouts ''I forced him to do it. I forced him to put a bullet in my chest'' she pushes the covers back, swings a leg to the side of the bed but she's stopped.

''Where the hell do you think you're going?''

''I need to find him'' she's pushed back on the bed by Lanie's hands. At first, she fights, refuses to lay on the bed once more but pain shoots through her body and she complies.

''Wait, Kate. Just wait until you heal''

She might heal physically, emotionally she's a wreck too.

* * *

It's two in the morning when she wakes up again, nightmares and the pain she feels don't let her sleep and she stares at the ceiling above her in silence. She wishes he was here with her, wishes nothing of this had happened. Wishes she could fix this. She can't. Not yet. She needs to wait, and she will for them. For him.

She hears the door opening and she closes her eyes, doesn't need another nurse to give her painkillers. Her mind is already foggy. Instead, she hears someone sigh, footsteps coming closer to her bed and she blinks.

Hazel eyes meet ocean blue.

''Kate'' he murmurs ''You're awake''

* * *

**Tell me what you think by writing me a review. Who wants another chapter?**

**And as always, have a nice day!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Another update! I think I deserve some extra reviews for that, hoho. Thanks for the feedback folks! Anyway, enjoy.**

* * *

Throat sore, voice hoarse. Glass heavy in his hand as he takes the last sip and puts it down. Bottle after bottle, sip after sip, still sitting at his office after a week. Alcohol doesn't take his pain away, but it makes it bearable. It's still there though, the weight on his shoulders and the pain in his chest. He just wants all of it to go away, to leave him alone. In his misery. In his guilt. Alone.

''Castle?'' he hears someone calling him, wonders if it's Kate but the voice is different. He doesn't turn around to see who it is, stares straight ahead until Lanie walks through the door and comes to stand in front of him.

''Castle'' she calls him again, no response is given by him ''I just came here to inform you about Kate's condition'' she tells him, goes on even though he doesn't say anything back ''She's getting better, stronger every day. She still is a little stubborn, you know Beckett with her 'I am fine' and 'it looks worse than it is' '' she tries to lighten up the mood and fails ''Okay, so. She has been asking for you, where you are and how you doing'' he nods as she continues, telling him what happened the passed few days and when it's time to leave she contemplates near the door. Hesitates as she opens her mouth to speak.

''She needs you, Castle. And as it seems you need her too. Go see her. Trust me, she doesn't blame you, never would''

* * *

Carefully, he opens the door of her room. He isn't supposed to be here but he can't sit at his loft anymore. He had to see her again, every night he was here while she was sleeping, held her hand when she started to wake up and kissed her when it was time for him to leave. His legs carry him near her bed and a sigh escapes from his lips. A gasp as well.

''Kate'' he murmurs ''You're awake''

Her mouth opens, her lips forming a small circle as her jaw drops. Unbelievable, she thinks. The painkillers are playing games again, her eyes are too tired and her mind the same. This can't be real. She blinks once more slower than before, looks at him and he's still there. It's not a trick, not a game or an illusion. It's real, he's really here and she can't believe it.

''Castle?'' she wonders, raises a weak hand to touch him as he takes a seat next to her bed. He holds it with his own, places a kiss on her palm and lays it back down on the bed with his. A smile tugs at her lips and the corners of her mouth lift upwards, giving him a nice view of her perfectly white teeth. A dazzling smile he had missed.

''I didn't expect you to be awake at this hour'' he whispers, his voice is soft. And she closes her eyes at the sound of it.

''I didn't expect you to come here at this hour either'' she lets a bit of her anger escape through her mouth, through her words and she regrets it immediately when he flinches. Then he nods, accepts what she's feeling. She has every right to be mad at him, he did something even worse. Shot her, hurt her and scarred her.

It's not anger, no. Sadness maybe.

''Sorry'' she tells him and rubs her face with both of her hands ''Painkillers'' she explains.

The silence that follows is heavy, each of them looking at each other like they are in a staring contest. Both trying to read the others' thoughts and hide their own at the same time. The plan he had made at home, failed. The words he said out-loud in front of the mirror are now stuck, forgotten.

She knows him though, always did and so she speaks. Breaks the unbearable silence in the room and takes the lead. Straight to the subject.

''It's not your fault'' she grabs his hand when he tries to pull it away from her grasp ''What happened back at he loft is not your fault'' she goes on ''It's mine. And I'm so sorry for forcing you to do what you did. I'm sorry, Rick'' he raises his head at the sound of his given name. Tears are gathered in his eyes, in hers too but she's wrong, so damn wrong. It's his fault. His. He was the one who was holding the gun, he was the one who pulled the trigger and sent a bullet towards her, to her chest.

How can she not blame him?

''How do you do that?'' he asks her and she knits her eyebrows confused ''How can you say that it's your fault when I was the one who shot you?'' his voice gets louder and stronger with each word.

''Castle-'' he cuts her off.

''Damn right, you know it's my fault and not yours. Why don't you blame me Kate? Why don't you shout at me, yell or hit me. Hurt me like I hurt you. I -'' he breaks at this point, tears making their path down his cheeks ''I pulled the trigger, saw you crumble to the floor. Heard your scream, your whimpers'' he croaks out ''I shot you'' he cries.

She mirrors him.

''Castle, please'' she begs him to stop, to put an end. Because she can't take this anymore.

''I shot you'' he repeats.

''And it's okay'' she says softly ''It's okay. I'm still here'' she places their joined hands over her chest, over her beating heart ''Feel that? It means I'm still alive and everything is okay''

''It's not'' he insists.

''It is'' she's way more stubborn that him, but this time she's right.

''It's not!'' he yells, his hand abandons hers and grabs her hospital gown, pushes it down almost roughly to reveal a big white bandage covering her chest. He doesn't stop though, he pushes the bandage down as well and he's taken aback by the scar he finds underneath, its sight makes him sick.

It's his creation, it's what he gave to her.

''It's not okay'' he whispers and steps back. His eyes pinned on her injured skin ''I'm sorry'' he mumbles ''So sorry''

''Castle where are you going?'' she asks him when he opens the door.

He stops, turns his head to her ''Away''

''Why'' she demands ''You told me always'' his expression changes for almost a second and she can see the old Castle back before it changes again into a mask of hurt and pain he wears from the moment he pulled the trigger.

''But I don't know how to do this anymore'' he explains, wipes the tears with the sleeve of his coat.

''Do what?''

''Love you Kate'' every word that he says is a dagger in her ''I don't know how to love you anymore''

She would gladly take another bullet to the chest instead of this. Instead of a life without Richard Castle in it.

He glances at her face, then his gaze travels downwards to stare at the scar. It's now memorized by his brain.

And then he leaves.

Always, a promise long forgotten.

* * *

_Thoughts?_

_Reviews make authors very happy, did ya know that? So write me one. WHO WANTS ANOTHER CHAPTER?_

_This goes for the gamer-readers. Did you buy the new Tomb Raider game? Is it good? Worth buying? Any game suggestions? _

_And as always, have a nice day._


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey, look, another chapter for this sad crappy story. Enjoy, I will be over there. **

Don't turn around. Don't go back.

Don't.

Just get out, get out of here and go home, go anywhere but to her room.

That's what he keeps telling to himself, repeating inside his mind over and over again until he gets out. Breathes the cold air of the night. His head is pounding, his heart,too, against his ribs.

_''Why?You told me always!'' _her words are echoing in his ears. He can still see the look on her face, the pain written on her features. The pain he caused. He keeps hurting her, even after he put a bullet in her chest, he keeps hurting her.

Why can't he stop doing that?

A scream dies in his throat as he turns around, and slams his fists in the wall. Again and again until the skin of his knuckles break. And he doesn't really care, he doesn't. He wants to punish himself for what he did to her.

He wants to be able to look at her again without going back to the night he shot her. He wants to be able to love her again.

''Castle!'' Esposito appears all of a sudden, and grabs the colar of his coat roughly ''Castle, what the hell are you doing?'' he doesn't know. He doesn't know what he's doing.

He's lost, he's broken. He might as well as be dead, inside.

The bullet that teared apart her chest did the same to him. His scar might be invisible, but it's still there. Hidden.

''Castle, stop!'' he lets his fists drop to his sides and Esposito lets him go. He hadn't even realized he had punched him. Madman, is that what he is now? Has he gone mad? Crazy?

''I'm sorry, okay?'' he cries, falls to his knees in front of his friend ''I'm sorry'' he sobs. The detective places a comforting hand on his shoulder that makes him look up at him. His tear filled eyes seem dead, like the night around them.

''I'm sorry'' he mumbles.

The other man doesn't comment, just pulls him up on his feet.

''Where have you been, Castle?'' he asks instead. He asks about the days, mornings Castle didn't come here to see the woman he sent to the hospital, unaware that the writer sneaked inside during the night.

''I couldn't face her, not when she was awake. Not when she could look into my eyes'' he says ''Could you do it, Javi? Could you walk into the room of the person you shot and look into their eyes without feeling nothing other than disgust for yourself?for what you did, for what you caused?''

Esposito narrows his eyes at him, and then shakes his head.

''She was awake when you walked in tonight, wasn't she?'' he states more than asks.

Castle simply nods.

''Why doesn't she blame me, Espo? Why does she blame herself and not me?'' he wonders.

''Why do you two blame each other and not the person that caused all of this?'' Javier asks back. And for the first time Castle asks himself the same question. Why do they keep blaming each other and not Jonathan, not the one that put the gun in his hands and applied the pressure, not the one that held his daughter, not the one that held his girlfriend.

Not the one that ruined their lives.

That doesn't mean he's innocent. No, he is still the person who had the gun in his hand. He could try and hit Jonathan with it instead. Take the risk and act.

But he's only a writer, he's not a cop. He might write about this stuff in his books, in the real life though it's different.

''Don't leave'' Esposito tells him ''Turn around and go to her room'' he leans back against the wall ''I will be here''

He was telling himself not to do those things, not to go back. And here he is, entering through the front doors, walking towards her.

''Kate'' he finds her the same way he left her. Her hospital gown tugged down roughly, the bandage still ripped open. The scar at the exact spot. Staring at him. Talking to him.

_You did this, it's yours. Yours. Monster. You broke her. You did._

It's like she hasn't noticed him at all. The far away look in her eyes scares him, and he shudders when he sees her hands made into fists. Her nails digging into her palms, blood staining her skin. He comes closer, takes the first one and opens it, then does the same to the other. They need someone to clean them, so he grabs a first aid kit he finds and applies a bandage over the wounds after he wipes the blood.

''Oh, Kate'' he kisses her injured hands, his lips linger on them before he lets them fall ''I'm so sorry, Kate''

_Monster, what have you done. Monster. You hurt her, stop hurting her. Look at her eyes, she is pleading you. Stop. Love her instead if you can. _

He shouldn't be doing this, a nurse would be better, but he removes the damaged and blooded bandage from her chest and applies a new one too.

Closes his eyes when they meet the scar.

He fixes the gown she's wearing as well, his previous actions almost ripped it apart. He does a lot of ripping lately, first her skin, now her gown, what's next, her soul? Oh, wait. He already did that.

To both of them.

When he's done, he takes a seat at the chair next to her bed like he did every night. He is leaning back in his seat when she speaks. And he almost misses her voice. A few whispered, broken words escaping from her mouth, sending a shiver down his spine.

''Are you real?'' he is confused at first, and then she turns her head. Her hollow, dead eyes finding his own and for the first time he holds her gaze locked with his. She needs the reassurance, the promise he isn't an illusion, a trick of her mind or of the drugs they put in her system.

''I am'' he says.

A nod is the only response from her as she turns her whole body to him, stares at him with those empty eyes of hers for three hours, he counts, and then falls asleep.

''I'm sorry, Kate'' he whispers into the darkness.

_Monster. You broke her. You finally did it._

Now, he wishes he has all it needs to make her whole again.

* * *

_Thoughts?_

_Does anybody still read this story?_

_No?_

_Okay._

_But do tell if you want another chapter._

_And as always, have a nice day._


	6. Chapter 6

**Small update. Enjoy, review, whatever you want.**

The room is drowned in complete and utter silence, no sound is heard other than the beeping of the machines and the breathing of the two people inside. It's suffocating. It suffocates him. It's nearly five in the morning and as the sun begins to rise, light shines through the windows casting shadows on the walls around him. At first, he sees the shadows of the machines, the bed, of things in the room. And then, they change. A shadow of a woman finds its place on the wall, he narrows his eyes at it, it seems like the woman is kneeling on the ground, her hands behind her back. Another one appears, this time a man's. He's standing straight, tall, facing the woman.

Castle's eyes widen. The man is holding a gun.

The man, is him.

It's like being in the theater, watching the play. Reliving what happened at the loft with the shadows taking over their roles. The man raises the gun, its barrel on the woman's head. The trigger is pressed, the body falls. You see, he can't forget it, he remembers every small detail, everything. The horrified look on his daughter's face, the blood on her neck, pleading him. And Kate was pleading him too, blood running from the wound on her head down to her cheek like river. Most of all, he remembers the scream that escaped her throat and filled the loft, and then she crumbled to the floor.

It still rings in his ears. Bouncing, even here, between the walls.

But there is something he didn't see. Something that will change everything, soon. He averts his eyes, when the shadows change, a face forms instead and takes their place. The woman and the man disappear. There is just a face, with big circles for eyes, a thin line for a mouth. It reminds him of child's drawing, and the line becomes a smile, a pride smile. It becomes more detailed, and he sees Jonathan. That bastard. He would gladly strangle him with his bare hands.

''No'' he whispers, when the face changes once more. And he finds himself staring at his own self.

It's still there, that pride smile, the smile of being pleased with what you did. It's true then, he's gone mad. Or he's more broken that he would like to admit. A frustrated breath escapes through his mouth and he leans back in his chair, uses both of his hands to rub his eyes.

''Leave me alone'' he pleads the shadows ''Leave me alone'' he says again. And they decide to do what they are asked. They hide in the corner, far away from him, they hold her breaths and wait.

He lets his hands drop in his lap, nests them there as he stares the one he hurt. His muse, his partner. During the time she was asleep, she rolled over on her back. The covers tucked under her chin, her hands clutching them. Her eyebrows are knitted together, and he wonders what she's dreaming, if she is dreaming at all.

One of the nurses came inside earlier, jumped when she noticed his presence. He informed her about him applying new bandages on Kate's wounds and she gave him a disapproving look, telling him he should have called her or a doctor.

''No, don't hurt them'' a recital of murmured words fill her mouth ''Do it. Shoot me. Please'' some whispered against the cold sheets, all reaching his ears as he watches ''Castle, you promised'' he closes his eyes and she continues. His chest aches with every breath he takes.

''You promised'' she repeats, he did promise.

''I'm sorry, Kate'' there is a constant urge inside him, forces him to speak the same words over and over again, spurred on by the affliction of guilt he feels for what he did ''I'm so sorry''

It's a risky move, but he dares to raise a hand and smooth a few strands of her hair away from her face and behind her ear. He didn't expect to meet her eyes once she turned to him.

''Kate''

Hollow eyes look at him, surprised. No sound comes out of her mouth, though, she just stares and stares until seconds become minutes and he stares back. What is there to say, he wonders.

_You broke her, remember?_

He sighs, closes his eyes briefly and withdraws his hand, places it near hers on the bed.

''I am sorry'' he says, sincerely ''For what I did earlier, for doing this to you. For putting another scar on your body'' he lowers his gaze to her chest and then down to his feet. There is a rope around his neck, and it's so tight he can't even breathe anymore. God damn, it hurts.

She curls her fingers around his wrist, her thumb trailing unknown patters on his skin.

''Kate?'' he's on the verge of tears, he needs her to say something. Anything. Curse, swear, yell, shout at him.

_Something, please._

She pauses, looks up at him.

''Please'' he begs her.

And she answers to his pleads.

* * *

_Small cliff-hanger. Review, and tell me if you want another chapter! _

_And as always, have a nice day._


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